A reflection on Mathew Perry’s Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing
Robert Downey Jr., talking about his own addiction, once said, “It’s like I have a gun in my mouth with my finger on the trigger, and I like the taste of the metal.”
It’s a shocking realization to have to learn that someone whom we deeply adored in our childhood, someone who constantly entertained us through their wit and jokes, was themselves going through immense pain; To learn that they were battling their own demons that we knew nothing about while laughing along with them!
Recently, while down with viral fever, I read the autobiography of Mathew Perry, “Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible thing”. Mr. Perry has, at the risk of his addiction being dissed as the privilege of a Hollywood star, bared it all, throwing light into the dark and difficult psyche of an addict.
Like most of us who grew up in the 90s, the TV show FRIENDS has had a profound impact on me. From wishing for a friend’s group like that to even the cadence of Chandler Bing — the character portrayed by Mr. Perry — we have all wanted to live the life. Chandler’s sarcasm, dead pan humour and insecurities that made him depend on jokes to navigate uncomfortable situation was unprecedented at those times, and extremely relatable to young men like me who did not have a lot of avenues to express our emotions. To portray ill-timed humour with such acute comic timing was a talent at a whole other level.
For me personally, awkward, uncomfortable, sarcastic Chandler Bing always remained a favourite, easily standing out among such an ensemble group of talent.
The book takes one through a few extremely tough phases of his life, and in this article, I would like to touch upon the two that impacted me the most — his early childhood that, I feel, sets the stage for Perry’s psyche and then later, the years of addiction that finally caught up with him.
UNACCOMPANIED MINOR
The first chapter of the book strikes a sharp emotional chord with the reader. Here Mr. Perry talks about the days of his parent’s separation. The plight of a 5-years-old Perry having to travel alone through airports, carrying a little sign around his neck that read “UNACCOMPANIED MINOR” is an image seared deep into my head now. A sense of abandonment creeps into our own minds as we sense the same creeping in to the little boy flying from Montreal to Los Angeles to meet his father. The journey from this lost little boy to the young adult suffering from severe commitment issues in his personal relationships is quite heart-wrenching, but understandable.
“I need love, but I don’t trust it. If I drop my game, my Chandler, and show you who I really am, you might notice me, but worse, you might notice me and leave me. And I can’t have that. I won’t survive that. Not anymore. It will turn me into a speck of dust and annihilate me.”
In that one statement above lies the crux of Perry’s journey, of his fear of rejection fighting with his constant lookout for validation.
ADDICTION
From this troubled child, to a lost young adult unsure of himself, to a point where Perry falls of the wagon in terms of his addiction (vodka tonic to oxycontin) is a brutally honest journey of a man taking accountability of himself. He painfully remembers the instance where, after the iconic moment in the show of Chandler marrying Monica was shot, he had to be driven to a rehab by a sober technician.
In his typical self-deprecating Chandler-style, he takes a potshot at himself, pointing out how the audience can easily notice the trajectory of his addiction by his appearance in the show — ie., when he is put on weight — its alcohol, when he appeared extremely skinny — its drugs, when he is having a goatee — its loads of drugs. He refers to the real life instance when his colon exploded due to over usage of opioids, and how he was full of shit, literally and figuratively.
Mr. Perry reflects upon how, during his younger days, he ardently believed that getting famous was the answer to all his issues. He talks about the days he would fervently pray to God to make him famous and in exchange, how he would tell God that He could impart any kind of suffering upon him. In the book he introspects about how God did keep both the ends of the bargain, and how it was only when his dreams came true did Perry realize that they were all the wrong dreams. In fact, he goes so far as to admit to trade back every single opportunity he received for a saner, more peaceful life.
One thing that stood out to me was how in the memoir Perry neither glorifies nor demonizes drug usage. Instead, in a very heart touching manner, he makes the reader empathize with the conflicts of an addict while pointing out all the ways it could ruin a life. He underscores the fact that addiction is a state of mind that needs to be addressed with the right medical help.
My last thoughts were how highly appreciable and brave a stance this memoir was — A Hollywood star showing the grit to lay bare his battles with addiction.
Hopefully this will initiate a new dialogue regarding addiction as a medical condition needing medical help like any other ailment, and thus helps alleviate the stigma surrounding it.